[If you can say a very condescending "awwww" sound I want you to say one right now. Helpful hints: Begin with a mild "g" and include a very slight audible Darth Vader exhale. "g'hawwwww!!" Good, this will come in handly shortly.]

The Dallas Cowboys just announced that offensive coordinator Jason Garrett has decided to turn down the Baltimore Ravens head coaching job and return to Dallas next year. But not only that:

But Garrett also received more than a title, getting a reported salary raise in the $3 million per year neighborhood.

That was the reported price range the Ravens and Falcons were offering Garrett to become head coach. Instead, Garrett is now making the same as Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips, although a pay raise of his own could be in order, especially after a 13-3 regular-season record in his first season as head coach.

While Garrett received quite a bump in salary, he didn’t say he was offered anything more from Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, like a handshake deal or promise that he would some day replace Phillips as the Cowboys’ coach.

The world we live in is complex and multifarious, but not so much so that anyone who’s ever held a job could not immediately recognize the significance of an assistant being wooed by the same compensation package as his “manager”.

Especially after the manager has just been through a very tearful stretch, which could have been so different, “if not for a couple more key plays.”

“That’s why it was so disappointing is we played almost well enough to win,” Phillips said, “and most of the indicators that you usually win by we accomplished but didn’t win the game. I’m still sick over it.”

Wade Phillips, the article says, is “heartsick.” Ok, friends, now it’s your turn: Say it with me:


Isn’t that just too sad? Let’s hear it one more time for Wade Phillips: g’hawwwww!!

Now, let me clarify something for the heartbroken one: Wade, you did not play “almost well enough to win.” You, in fact, sucked. You brought in a team thinking they were riding a wave and expecting the win to come to them, and you lost to a New York Giants team which came in determined to TAKE the victory. Yes it was close and there were some bad calls, but you should have dominated the injury-plagued Giants. You were driving a Ferrari in November, but then you left her sitting on the beach for six weeks.

This was one of the great underachieving teams in NFL history. Jason Garrett is next in line in Dallas.