Well well well, what in the bushy eyebrows of Satan do we have here in today’s mail:


An AARP card for yours truly! There is so much that is wrong about this I hardly know where to start, but in full awareness of the crew who are most likely to opine here I must begin by acknowledging the utter inappropriateness of this particular piece of mail and the OBVIOUS fact that there is certainly nothing FUNNY about it. About which fact I am confident we are all of the same mind.

I am an exceptionally young 47, and on good nights, when the lighting is just so, and the cashiers are sufficiently culturally remote, I still get carded. SO THERE, YOU BASTARDS.

For one thing, although I have been admittedly proven grumpy way beyond my years since approximately the age of 24, I am in no wise a “grumpy old man.” I am a realist, which entails a certain amount of clarity that the mindlessly youthful have often interpreted as crotchety. I’m as young at heart as they are, although much quicker to strike with my cane. Experience.

For another, I am sure we are all aware that “retired” in my own case is at least 20 years hence because of the utter discombobularity of the whole Social Security scam – thank you very much Franklin D. Roosevelt and every president since – and as long as I am laboring out here like a dog to support the aged lard-asses living off my dime I would expect to be viewed at very least in a different demographic class.

As sure as they’re all down in Florida playing shuffleboard I’ll be up here paying FICA to cover their whiskey and bingo, and I frankly don’t see enough commonality in that relationship for us all to be carrying the same card. Really, it should be two totally separate cards: One, AARP, and the other, AARP Sucker.

Yes, all ego aside, I am going on record as a resister in this particular case. It’s a matter of principle, and some principles are too important to stand aside and watch the corrupt game keep on going. I prefer to fight.

And there is the ego aspect as well.

UPDATE: Yeah, I just replaced the original card with one with the “Authorization Code” whited out, because on second thought I have no idea what this behemoth organization has access to, such as possibly my grocery records. I don’t want those stolen.