Energy Woes Resolved
July 24th, 2008 by ACTivist
Global warming is forefront as an issue. So is oil, alternative energy and fat people. I still have the brick mark on my forehead where this one hit me. It is just so easy to understand and resolve.
We start out with “We The People” to the understanding that our forefathers were in actuallity talking about “we the politicians”. This is an undeniable truth. If it were otherwise then we the people would be able to force our elected officials into doing what WE require-not what they deem is best. If you doubt this understanding then I believe that you need to take this to the Supreme Court for an irreputible vauge decision. Because we the politicians know what is best for us and they do make the rules, it is time for you slackers to get in lockstep and stop your whinning. I have the solution that will work and it comes from my liberal ways and understanding of things.
First, everyone gets a house. One floor of at least 2000 sq.ft (for a family of four) is considered the subsistance floor. There will be exercycles mounted with alternator units to run the household. 100 sq ft will be dedicated to the storage batteries with a reserve of 5 hours (we don’t want you getting lazy). The batteries and exercycles will power YOUR unit (unless there is an emergency of which time all energy will go to power the grid). So now if you want heat above 60 degrees or air conditioning below 85 degrees, get off your fatass and get to work. It is now on you. Did I say fatass? Oh but not for long. Since you can’t control your eating habits and you want your refrigerator to keep your food chilled, you will HAVE to work for it. And the pounds will melt away. The batteries will be made of an ecofriendly substance so that at the end of their lifespan, they may either be buried in the yard (if you have one) or eaten. And if eaten, the carb levels must be low and the protien levels must be high but without causing GAS! This is most important! No gas!
The rest of the floor will be covered with plants. No pets. Some of you (especially Asians) will think about eating your pets and that creates pounds and gas. We can’t abide by that. You may choose what plants you want but don’t be foolish because these plants are what you will subsist on as far as intake. They will also scrub off your co2 emissions and give you life maintaining oxygen. We will supply water at a nominal price to bath (water must be used 3 times then poured onto plants), drink and water plants. You can grow plants according to NORML but you cannot give/sell those plants to others. After all, what would happen if we had an emergency and need everyone on the grid, hum?
I know. Some of you only have single floor homes. Too bad. You should have thought of the country’s needs long before you bought, you self-centered individual.
The only thing that can be nuclear is the Alka-Seltzer in your water glass. Wind is okay and sun is also. Matter of fact the sun is your new best friend. It will handle your transportation needs. Commercial planes will go by the wayside. They don’t work on solar (but if you invented a way, we will think about bringing them back and giving you unlimited flights-excluding blackout periods of course-for one full year) and we don’t want anymore pollution in the atmosphere. After all, “if man was meant to fly…”. Military aircraft will use only ethonal and when the land on aircraft carriers, they will no longer be able to dump fuel to lighten the plane. We’re sorry if you crash and die but we don’t want the environment polluted and we don’t want to waste good fuel. And if we lose a plane, well, we don’t like the military anyway. It gives the rest of the world the impression that we are a hostile people.
Farming will be for the soul purpose of plant growth for fuel-no food stock. What the fatcats (they are the ONLY ones to remain obese) don’t use in their vehicles, we will sell to support our backrupt country. Not even the grid will use fuel. That is why we have citizens. Professional sports will disappear and professional atheletes will use that energy for the grid. They will be the only ones compensated for the making of energy-all others will either live or die by it. Oh, and there will be open borders so that we can support the grids industry (read fatcats vacation homes, personal homes and concubine abodes as well as the lighting for the “general good”) because there will enevitibly be an increase of heartattack related deaths but once we get those whimps out of the way, the grid should stabilize and everyone will be skinny but healthy.
Anything not covered will be figured out later. “Ask not what your country can do for you..” are the greastest words ever spoken and we mean to have you abide by them. This has been thoughtout to the end of my nose so it is a proven way to proceed. We will have a happy, healthy and energy producing country in spite of what you may think or feel. It is what is necessary. Get on board and start enjoying life again!
This entry was posted on Thursday, July 24th, 2008 at 12:40 pm and is filed under Energy, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Not to sound like a smart aleck, but I had thought that planes landing on carrier decks went to full throttle and afterburners in the event of a missed hookup. Hard to do that after dumping your fuel isn’t it ? F-16s landing reserve is something like 1500 gallons..
I’ll keep the beef thank you very much, if you want my steak you will need to pry it from my cold dead hands.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:10 am
I’m told the most efficient food of all is worms: You can grow them in wooden boxes, they proliferate like all get out, and you can harvest them by the shovelful. Pure protein.
Mix in a little thyme and garlic, spin once in the blender, and you have a life-enhancing pate.
Yes, you would need to run the exercycle during the cold months to keep them warm, and if you are not up to eating them au natural you will need some kerosene for cooking or at least a magnifying glass. But in the society of the future, I imagine worm sushi will be most politically correct. It will allow us to avoid eating our cats and dogs after all.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:51 am
thank you Joe for the most stomach wrenching post of 2008. I truly appreciate it. yuch!
July 25th, 2008 at 9:59 am
An entrepreneurial and very tech-savvy friend told me about the worm idea - it is supposedly going to happen this century.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:26 am
I can the the TV commercial now.
Worms , its whats for dinner.
Brought to by the U.S. Worm council.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:46 am
What are we all after we die but a bunch of worms and dust?
July 25th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Dan,
Landing on a carrier is a “controlled crash” and both landing gear and arresting wire don’t like the extra weight. F-16’s glide to a touchdown on a nice long runway.
If you are caught with your meat, the meat police will orphan you from your family for a year. You will work solely for the grid until you have been properly weened!
July 25th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Joe,
The worms are great for cultivating and nourishing the soil. I guess it would be okay to eat them-don’t know if they are realy meat. I would suggest you eat the slugs since they have no useful purpose other than while having a beer you put a little table salt on them to watch them slime (good hair gel by the way). But they are your worms so do as you please but NO PETS! You cannot be trusted that you won’t eat your pets. That’s final!
July 25th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Thanks for the hair gel ideal, dude. I need to save some coin next month and mousse is getting pretty pricey.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Want to save energy? Join “Right to Dry”!!! Today!!!
July 27th, 2008 at 8:37 am
ACTivist,
This post carries the assumption that the lifestyle decisions we currently make are *not* socially engineered by decision makers in industry, academia and government. Think about that. In what areas of your lifestyle can you deviate from social norms and conventions. Aren’t we currently living in the brave new world that you seem to fear? Actually, the new world that you fear is the “freedom of the individual, self-reliant, personal responsibility” libertarian world view that this blog should be promoting. Wouldn’t you like to have chickens in your back yard and a year round organic garden? Wouldn’t it be nice to know where your food comes from, and to have the security of knowing that if there were a major supply chain disruption, you could feed yourself? Think victory garden.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon!
You lost me after “This…”. This is a parody on how liberals would resolve a problem…socialisticly! And then you go off on a tangent. I fear ignorance and positions of power to promote that ignorance. That is why I remain armed. Besides, I have my piece of paradise and will be very self-sufficient so don’t worry. And when you say “victory garden” all I can think of is a bunch of raving homosexuals in tutu’s running thru a meadow of daisies. Ooooops! Now I’ve done it!
Oh. BTW. I missed you at the Park View meet. I gave my speech and when I heard your name called, I was going to come over and introduce myself but it seems you chickened out. Heck, who cares if what you had to say was related to equanityloudoun and not real issues like overcrowding. Never give up the opportunity when a soapbox presents itself. What? Can’t get your point across in 3 minutes?
July 29th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Maybe you should read what hatred can do before you start with the liberals,Asian,or gay jokes. It’s just not funny.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080728/ap_on_re_us/church_shooting
July 29th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Robin is right, we could all use a little sensitivity training here.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ThWXNa8onKk&watch_response
July 29th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Robin,
You confuse hatred with truth. 1). Asians (as well as many other cultures, including American Indians) consider cats and dog a delicacy. Tell you the truth, they just taste like meat unless over seasoned. Then they taste like A1 steaksauce. FACT. 2). Liberals are morons and don’t work on any known logic. They can be dangerous when allowed to roam free. FACT. 3). The act of homosexuality is perverted and deserves sympathy yet that is not what they want. They want acceptance for their perversion. Since it isn’t sympathy they are after, I poke fun. FACT.
My comments are not for the weak. I don’t pull punches because I consider that “sugar-coating”. Others don’t like my style. Oh, well. I failed both tact and sensitivity training. I think I’ll go cry now.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Don’t argue with the ACTvist, Robin! He knows the TRUTH and has stated that fact many a time. His wife knows that he knows the TRUTH and is a believer. He also know what SIN is.
I’m sure he’s very popular with those folks who like their bitter pills w/o sugar coating.
Homosexuals are perverts (until he ends up with a grandson who loves his neighbor’s cute boy).
He is STRONG, ergo; makes comments not for us weanies.
He thinks he has STYLE. (debatable)
Well, I guess I have shot my wad for today. I’m signing off.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:14 am
ACT, Lovisa just confirmed your fact #2..
July 30th, 2008 at 9:41 am
ACT continues to confirm that he’s from a different universe, since what he calls facts aren’t, at least in this one. I just haven’t figured out which universe he’s from yet.
One with more climate change, no doubt, where the atmosphere is much warmer. (I’m trying to get you to “more hot air”, but it’s not so obvious.)