CAUTION: Death occurs in this article so you should have your feeble, progressive children avert their eyes!

I love squirrels. I love them in a rural environment where they eat naturally. I have loved them since I was a kid, especially when they are fried, sautéed, and stewed. Very tasty. Mama liked them also, that is, up until the time they started destroying her bird houses, feeders, flower pots, garden equipment, etc. then she changed her mind. I warned her that they were rodents (just like progressives ) and very destructive (again, just like progressives) but I guess it takes getting hit in the pocket book before any true realization sets in (just like what is happening with progressives today).

I have tried to live and let live with the squirrels, even though they tear up my yard with a multitude of holes; either burying nuts or looking for the ones they already buried and forgot to get GPS coordinates when they became hungry. But a problem occurred for me. About 10 days ago I could hear a disturbance in the attic above my bedroom. Upon investigation, I found Mr. Fuzzytail darting for the attic roof vent and disappearing. It had pushed its way around the screening and invaded my attic. Ok. I can make a permanent fix in the summer but, in the meantime, I just installed heavy diamond grating over the opening for the time being. The next day I heard another disturbance in the attic. Upon investigation, I found that the progressive rodent had chewed his way THRU THE ROOF SHEATING, around the grating, to re-enter my attic; kinda like a progressive occupier. Ok. Game on.

Rodents have memory. They tell their buddies what they found and I could see an endless chain of invasion and destruction (just like progressives). I shored up the opening again and waited. It wasn’t long before I could hear a noise in the attic and upon investigation, I found Mr. Fuzzytail trying to get OUT! Ok. I removed my fix in order to give him a day to leave. The next day I re-installed my barrier and that afternoon heard another disturbance. Mr. Fuzzytail figured he could come and go again as he pleased so he decided to set up his winter nest. Ok. I put a Have-a-Heart trap with delectable goodies to munch on and waited. After 3 days of attic and insulation destruction, I changed the rules of engagement. I went nuclear. Armageddon!

Mr. Fuzzytail decided he would eat the roof, roof beams, and any other material around my fix to get out. Each time I heard the noise, I opened the attic stairs and he would scampper off to his hidey-hole. I spent 5 hours in the attic yesterday, poking and prodding every nook and cranny but to no avail. I could not find the little bastard. Needless to say, Mr. Fuzzytail’s anxiety was up from being stuck up there for 6 days now but MY anxiety was up past Devcon 1. I would wait for the noise, pull down the stairs, and see him working on his escape before he would jump down and hide. I did this 15 times and Mr. Fuzzytail would realize that there was no consequences to this action so that his frequency of returning to escape was reduced to minutes, and he would hang on the grate, just waiting for me to close the stairs. An hour ago I succeeded on extricating the squirrel. It got lead poisoning and died from an instant heart shot. I and Mr. Fuzzytail are at peace once more.

Now there are a couple of morals to this story. I could have paid out money to have a professional help, along with the money I need to put out for repairs. I really don’t need any lame-ass suggestions on what I COULD have done or SHOULD have done. I took my stress out for what was right for me. Lead poisoning seems to be a cure for what ails and I would suggest its use in certain circumstances. At least in this circumstance there was a happy ending. No, I don’t hire out. You take care of your own vermin as you see fit. I’m going to relax now.