From the Onion.
International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising
Barack Obama as he appeared to millions of Americans, along with four of the president-elect’s former disguises.
CHICAGO—In a devastating blow to millions of unsuspecting Americans, newly elected president and international con man Barack Obama fled the country Wednesday with nearly $85 million in campaign funds.
According to FBI investigators, Obama’s sudden disappearance was discovered at 6:15 p.m. when the former Illinois senator failed to arrive at a gala event in Lincoln Square, prompting several aides to rush back to his campaign headquarters. At 6:23 p.m., flight logs at O’Hare International Airport confirmed that two passengers, a male carrying two silver briefcases and dressed in a perfectly tailored Brioni tuxedo, and an African-American female wearing a fur coat and speaking in a thick Russian accent, were seen boarding a private plane.
Enlarge Image Click to read the note left behind by Obama, in which he claims the American public “never stood a chance.”
Obama’s campaign office, sources said, was completely vacant aside from a discarded Abraham Lincoln portrait, behind which was an emptied safe that his aides claimed never to have seen before.
In addition, three unconscious Secret Service agents were discovered at the scene, along with two lit cigarettes still burning in an ashtray, and Obama’s daughters, who authorities now believe were taken from an Alabama foster home six years ago.
The only item found inside the metal safe was a letter, handwritten with a fountain pen and titled “An Explanation, My Dears.”
“To my tender little pawns, the all-too-trusting people of America,” said FBI lead investigator Ray Hilland, quoting the letter at a press conference Wednesday. “If you are reading this, then I have already left your silly country in my private jet, and am right now sipping fine champagne with my lovely associate, a woman you have come to know as ‘Michelle…’”
Read it all.